Thoughts on my Youth
For me, I married young and had our daughter at age 22. At that age, most people are still in college and still have some sort of freedom. When I moved out of my mother’s home at age 19 I had only lived in my apartment for about 6 months before my husband and I started dating.
He already had been married and had two children. They were 6 and 3 at the time. About 9 months later he asked me to marry him. Now I will be honest, I did not want to at the time. I thought why in the world would I do this. I was still young and still had my own dreams and goals.
But I did and here we are 16 years later. The boys are gone and our daughter will be starting her sophomore year in high school this coming fall. I heard a quote recently from Beyonce that made me sit and ponder for a few days (see the interview here). She said, “Make sure that you have your own life before you become someone’s wife”.
How do you guys feel about that comment? Never mind who said it… but what do you think about it? It for one moment made me think, did I do that? Did I have my own life? And the truth is… I didn’t.
Now please hear my heart I am not mad at my husband nor do I regret where we are today. But as I think back I wish I had someone back then telling me to explore the world, take chances, and take risks!
My heart still craves adventure and for taking chances but now since I am almost 40 everything has to be a calculated step because it will affect my family, not just me.
Now that I have almost finished my “motherly duties” and once my daughter is settled in her college life then maybe the Lord will allow me some “adventure time”. I want to do things in his will so maybe the early marriage and early motherhood was the purpose he had for me.
There is something grand about being finished early in life. A lot of my co-workers who are in the late ’30s and early ’40s have very young children. They are tired constantly and have had to give up things now instead of early on. One of my co-workers who is the same age as me has a 1-year-old. Prior to his arrival, she had an extra bedroom that was her entire closet!
At the same time, I was getting those new closet cabinets I came into the office so excited, and then she shared how she had to change her closet into a nursery for the baby. I felt bad immediately. But then I realized we made different choices in life. She studied abroad, lived in Japan, and went on trips. While she was doing all of that, I was at home with a newborn and two step-sons. But now I see that we are about to flop lives and that is okay.
So I will say this. I am learning that the Lord has a different plan for each of us. I still don’t understand why my plan turned out this way but I am hopeful that I will know in the end. I do know this. I am telling my daughter that she does not have to marry early and have kids. “Have your own life before you become someone’s wife”. Go out and see the world, enjoy it!
What are your thoughts?
Hello Mrs. Shockley,
Wow. This was a powerful, thought provoking post. Let me just say, everything happens when it's suppose to-and I agree that the Lord has a different path for each of us.Much like your coworker, I did things a bit later. I am also nearing 40 with a 9 year old and 3 year old. I used to go to the gym 5 days a week,, yoga several times a week.. I traveled to South Florida monthly to spend time at Ft. Lauderdale Beach.. That all came to an instant hault. Although I'm not complaining here .Many of our friends have children older. They have freedom that my husband and I don't have. We have no family near by and only a couple of people I'm willing to leave the girls with. Needless to say, we are often stuck at home because they are not old enough to be left alone.
I am in the prime of my nursing career, but always exhausted.At times, I regret not creating a life so that I could stay home. My mother always told me, the later you wait to have babies, the more easily you will be tired. I would venture to say that is so.
My husband and I married 6 months after we met. And sometimes I wonder why I didn't just wait a bit longer so I could do a few more things, like pay off student loans. Then we had our 1st daughter exactly 1 year after marriage. So we really never had time for each other. And we still don't. I also find myself quietly thinking, I can't wait for the girls to get older so my husband and I can have more time, yet I embrace these precious moments of them being so young.
Seems like no matter what we do, there will always be another way it could be done. I admire you for taking your thoughts to the Lord.
Much like you, I will teach my girls all I wished I had known. I was on my own, as my mother never guided me as a young woman. But that's okay. I have learned so much and I'm still learning.
You are determined to live a beautiful life, Mrs. Shockley, and I know that you will accomplish the lovely things you want.
Take Care,
Mya
Ahhh Mya! Thank you so much for sharing! My goodness I knew I was not the only way who felt this way. You married after only 6 months of dating? Wow… that took a lot of faith.
And I am with you on the time with kids. I long for days of freedom but don't want to wish anything away as I know I am on a short leash with my daughter. I pray that the Lord helps you to find your balance too Mya. We so need it!
https://thetransformedwife.com/carefully-consider-your-choices-young-women/
Thank you so much Rachel for your blog post! Trust me I don't think any of us regret having our families nor children but there is also nothing wrong with a woman having her own dreams or goals. Children don't stay with us forever and having our own lives is something that I don't think is a sin.
Also Rachel it sounds like you had a wonderful childhood. Your mother was home with you, mine was not. I had a teen mom which made for a disastrous childhood. Those poor choices that my mother made still affect me today. Also my husband had a ex-wife who was horrible to me and still is. That also made for a very frustrating marriage dealing with an ex-wife (who was older) at the age of 22 so that made me second guess everything. But thank you for your beautiful blog post. It does help me to see that marriage and wife-hood is still a worthy and noble cause.
Dear Mrs. Shockley,
What an interesting post! I think everyone has regrets about paths not taken, but there is no guarantee they would be better, just different.
Your story reminds me of Catherine Marshall writing about making the decision to marry her second husband after years as a widow. Her son was in college, she had the freedom to pursue a writing career; in fact was building a house with an office just off her bedroom just for writing. Yet she wanted to remarry. However the man the Lord had sent to her had three young children in need of mothering and a household in need of organizing. That was not her plan – yet she ultimately said yes to the marriage. Many years later, she realized her writing was deeper, richer and more meaningful than it would have been if she had not married that particular man. And although her writing career was temporarily on hold with the marriage, eventually God deeply blessed her (and her audience) with a fulfilling writing career.
If you had not married when you did, what would have happened to your stepsons? Would they have experienced a loving mother and family life, so needed at a young age? Perhaps you were exactly what they needed at the time.
And when your mothering duties are lessened, and you are off to learn in a new way in the world, it may be that your life experiences have prepared you for enjoying, learning, and appreciating more than you could have as a young, inexperienced person.
No life lived in love is ever wasted. From your posts it seems that you are grateful for your life, and you certainly make an impact by trying to bring elegance and civility to everything around you. And in spite of being a wife, you never give the sense there is nothing more to you than being “someone’s wife” You seem very much to be your own person (which is how I took Beyoncé’s comment).
But whichever road you took, and in spite of some regrets, what is most important is that you still want to learn more, still want to broaden your experiences and outlook, you still want adventure and new things. That perspective and attitude will take you wherever you want to go – enjoy the journey!
OHHHH Arabella! I could kiss you! Thank you so much for this! This was what I needed to hear. I will print this out and put it in my journal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I believe every single thing you just wrote! You are absolutely right. Maybe these life experiences will help me to enjoy my new journeys to come! Thank you, thank you.
Hi Mrs. Shockley,
I never experienced the independence of living alone. I either lived at home, with roommates at college, or with my husband. He and I have been together for nearly 12 years and we've been married for 6 years. We're not sure when we will be "ready" for children. There's a definite freedom to being a couple without kids, but you also wonder if you're on the right path. I think no matter what you do, you always observe people on a different path than you and wonder what that would be like. It can be quite confusing!
Kelsie
Hello Kelsie,
Thank you for stopping by and thank you for your input. You have never lived alone? That is interesting but I think you are so right. We never know if we are on the right path and we are always wondering what a different path would be like. Confused…. yes, extremely but I am hopefully that all things will work out for my good.
Hello Mrs.Shockley. I enjoyed reading this post. I personally regret not getting married younger. I feel that age 19 is ideal marriage age. There are many benefits to early marriage. Thanks!
Hello Aliyah,
Thank you so much for reading. There are some benefits to early marriage. Thank you as always for stopping by!